I have a wide stance…

Okay, a wide stance while pooping.

Yeah, that makes sense. 

Here’s your assignment:

Go into public bathroom.

Sit on toilet.

Try to stick your foot under the stall wall and imagine another foot (better yet, take a friend and do the experiment with him or her) on the other side and as your foot “accidentally” hits into his enough to deliver a “signal” of some sort ask yourself if it is a naturally ocurring result of having a wide stance.  Yeah, that’s right.  Impossible.

Then there’s the whole “I wasn’t reaching under the stall with my hand to send the international signal for ‘I’m interested in some toilet lovemaking,’ I was simply picking up a piece of paper,” defense.

Hold it right there partner.  That would have to be some important item to warrant its retrieval from the floor of a public bathroom.  A diamond ring, the deed to your house, your favorite spandex jazz pants, something other than a scrap of toilet paper. 

Clearly Larry Craig hasn’t had the time or inclination to peruse Jen Angelo’s site called Germ Circus and get the low-down on just exactly what lives on the floors of modern bathrooms.

Anyway, no matter your personal bathroom habits, you must at all times hold your wits about you, keeping in mind the degree to which others will follow your logic. 

And onto the bathroom floor, even the less intelligent Americans, will not go.

6 thoughts on “I have a wide stance…

  1. Ordinarily I wouldn’t give a damn about Larry Craig’s sexual preferences or bathroom habits. As long as he gets his job done, however he spends his leisure time is fine with me. But when I learn that he is a raging homophobe who uses his so-called regard for traditional family values to garner conservative votes, then I start caring a lot.

    I really do have a wide stance; I can even do the splits. But I’ve never found my legs wandering into the next stall.

  2. Mary, you made me laugh out loud–my four year old just asked what I’m laughing at. What you’ve said is the point exactly. This is a guy who lives by a very narrow definition of family values and now it’s biting him in the ass. Funny thing is, the gay people I know are as traditional as the heteros–except for the same sex part. I don’t really know any wild straight people so it would hold that the gay people I know wouldn’t be part of the public toilet club either, but I think Craig and others like him have lumped gay people into the same group–deviant. And that’s just not accurate. I don’t want to be gleeful about this guys tortured life because it must be hell to be him, to have created this facade and such a public one. The bottom line is his life stinks and for that I feel very sorry for him.

  3. I can’t imagine what was happening. A little footsey?
    Suddenly our feet were touching?
    Anyway, it’s just one more thing you need to look out for in public bathrooms that are full of more than just bacteria!

  4. Let’s not forget this was part of an ongoing sting operation because apparently this place was well-known for the Toilet Man Love. I feel bad for the cop who had to hang around in a public restroom all day waiting to get hit on.

  5. Maybe we need special “wide stance” toilet stalls to prevent those suffering from WSS (wide stance syndrome) from going though this awful kind of humiliation. If not wider stalls, maybe foot stirrups to gain the traction the wide stancers need in confined situations.

  6. Jennifer, I’m sure there’s something germy to take from all this and I can’t wait to read it after you’ve figured it out.
    Jaye, I know what you’re saying about that cop. His interview had me in stitches–the way he was so upset by the change in Craig’s story, the cop’s voice showing disbelief was priceless.
    Dean, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day–WSS, that’s tremendous and I must steal it at once. I’ll credit you of course…

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