Oh Vera, Vera Wang

Ever since I can remember caring about formal wear, I’ve dreamed of wearing Vera Wang. 

When my book is adapted to a screen play and wins an oscar, I’ll be wearing Vera.

And if for some reason Ralph Lauren coaxes me into one of his confections for the red carpet, I’d like whomever is charged with outfitting me for my pre-funeral viewing to scour the earth for a Vera Wang suited for my demise.  I mean when person is dead, she gets to wear whatever she wants, right?

But knowing those two events may be far in the future (at least my death is, I’ll live to be a hundred, don’t ask me how I know.) I’ve found this little gem:  A Vera Wang mattress.  Imagine that, the cool, luxury of Vera Wang every freaking day!

But then I thought about it.  The blashphemy.  

Do you think some Vera Wang peon moved ahead with the mattress project when Vera slipped out of the studio to sip a tall cool one?  A mattress?  Any object that, within a week of purchase, is home to mountains of dead skin that has the unsettling ability to sprout limbs, crawl, build condos, start PTA’s, soccer teams, and give you asthma while tribes of microscopic fleas hide in the pillow-like material then feast on your body all night, should not bear the name of lovely Vera Wang.

So, you’re wondering why I would approve of Vera on my cold, dead body.  Well, the exquisite shantung sheath can be removed, cleaned and passed down to my favorite great-granddaughter with my diamonds and pearls.  The curve-concious column bursts forth with glamour and history.  In light of all that, its prior relationship with a corpse can be overlooked.

But the ongoing build-up of bodily yuck, even your own, is undignified for such classic splendor that always accompanies Vera’s good name.

Save yourself, dear Vera.


9 thoughts on “Oh Vera, Vera Wang

  1. I have to admit I’ve never heard of the Vera Wang mattress–probably a good thing. What is this world coming to? I believe in a good, quality mattress, but this is a bit over the top for me.

  2. Kristine, I agree, the mattress takes the whole fabulous designer to a new level, but not necessarily upward! Oh well, like she cares. I’m sure she’s laughing all the way to bank as brides purchase a gown and matching mattress…

  3. Who has that kinda money to spend on a friggin mattress?? Yet another way for the wealthy to blow too much money on something with a “designer label”….the whole point of paying for the name is to show it off to everyone!! Can’t exactly show off a mattress….(well, you probably could, but I won’t detail HOW here)….and I love it’s “inspired by her bridalwear collection” — as if the pattern on the ticking is worth the price tag! Don’t even get me going, I’ll never shut up….this represents everything good AND bad about our great nation.

    Have a great weekend Kathie….I will IF Georgetown and UCLA pull it off!
    *fingers crossed*

  4. I challenge Vera to the Original Mattress Factory and Ron Trczinski any day. I mean, I love Vera’s dress designs, too. Shoes, jewelry, accessories, hell throw in the fragrance (why must everyone have a freakin’ fragrance?!) and even some towels/linens. But mattresses? The people who can afford them have people change the sheets. I’m not sure the housekeeper will appreciate the Vera difference.

    (My apologies for being rude, Vera.)

  5. I’m amazed – never thought I’d see a designer mattress.
    I love Yves St. Laurent clothes – so beautifully cut – and have a special weakness for Valentino gowns…*sigh*
    I keep looking in the Ye olde Thrifte Shoppe for one.

  6. CC, Susan, Sam and Judy, very funny comments! I know the absurdity of it is fun to poke at, but I’m sure someone, somewhere is touting the benefits of a Vera Wang at night!

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